Vanilla Salt

アマいだけなら ソルトかけましょう

[sticky post]Welcome to my Journal!
Yo yo yo my name is Maddy and I used to go by Mumu on LJ :D

Trying to revive this shit, please friend me if you feel so inclined.
I'm currently in my second year of community college at an undisclosed location, and planning to transfer to another college by the end of next year.  Fluent in English and French, and currently learning Japanese (sort of?!)  Fingers crossed, yes?? :)

My interests and hobbies include music of ALL kinds, procrastination, a decent amount of TV shows and movies, video games, and reading (More specific list under the cut).  I'm sure there are more.  I love to dance, sing, and act, though I suck at all three.  Figures!

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Hope to get to know you!


Show Time is growing on me
Hidaka's rapping is consistently on point

I should be writing an essay



Ugh ugh ugh

My life is amounting to nothing
I can't deal with it anymore, like, I have no ambition, I'm a lazy fuck and I don't know how to function in this world and I don't know what went wrong and I'm so fucking lonely

My best friend is probably an alcoholic and I can't fucking help him

My other best friend simply doesn't have the time for me anymore

And my closest friend here just ignores me sometimes I guess

I'm just really clingy, I just feel the need to have people around me all the time and I don't know where it comes from and I don't know how to fix it and I'm really, really done

Everyone is moving on but me

Everyone has shit to do and time to ignore other people I guess but I'm always
Ready for anything

But I suck at reaching out to others because of this intensely suffocating self hatred that I have no idea how to get rid of
I dont know how to love myself
I don't know how to love other people

I can't bring myself to believe that anyone loves me

All I have is music and tears and it really really really sucks and I feel helpless and useless and
no matter how hard I try I've never been able to envision my life amounting to anything

I get this intense anxiety when people dont respond to me and I dont know how to get rid of it?? It literally sends me spiraling if I'm in anything resembling a delicate state of mind and I just

I dont know

Ughhh I am soooo bad at keeping this journal updated lmao

Whatever.  Ok.  So um.  I'm like 97.398765432% done with finals which is dandy as fuck... now I just have to register for classes.  For some reason I get this weird anxiety every time I have to register and I put it off way longer than I should, it's weird, I get all freaked out about the future and shit.  Ugh.  Lol.  I also have to work on my personal statement and shit and find a teacher to write me an evaluation... I forgot to do the whole thing where you network and make your teachers like you.  Whoops.  Lol.

In other news I'm totally trying to go to Japan this summer... Trying to think of ways to fund raise and in the mean time imma try to work as much as possible in my free time.  My fund raising goal is $3000 so ugh I have a ways to go.  I'm also going to set up one of those websites where it's like ey yo help my dream come true pls pls pls and also I'm going to start attempting to pimp myself out artwork-wise.  Praying to god there are people out there who want to commission me.  There have to be some right?  .... Right??

In the meantime I'm trying to teach myself as much Japanese as possible since I won't be going with a group this time.  This fucking language is so overwhelming I s2g how why asdlkfjsf no I got this I got this.


Alsooo um so boyfriend went back to LA a while ago and I'm just not feeling it except I don't want to be r00d... I'm so bad at relationships ugh it's like I kind of want to break up but at the same time I don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't want to regret it later if that makes any sense.  Siiigh.

Also I'm not in the Christmas spirit yet wtf is this


So things are going VERY well with the dude I mentioned, we've been talking a lot and we had our third date on Friday.  It was wonderfuuulll~

I'm really excited that this might actually be something good.  On top of that I think I'm finally starting to connect with people at school, which is so great... I am no longer awkwardly sitting in my car between classes, but actually talking with friends :)  Now, I just need to find people to come rage with me, because I've really been wanting to go to a rave recently.

The only thing is that I'm actually kind of nervous about bringing up this whole there's a dude in my life thing with my mom, because on one hand I still live with her and I want her to know where I'm going and stuff, but it seems like such a big deal to like actually tell her about a dude I'm into you feel me?  My friend gave me some good advice, she told me that I should tell my mom about him, but tell her that it's not all that serious and I'm just kind of feeling things out.  I just REALLY DON'T WANT THE SEX TALK LOL.  I can forsee it so clearly and it is so painful lol.  I'm hoping it'll be quick and she'll just be like ok don't get preggo and have fun.  I'm definitely at an age where she can't really argue that I'm too young to be in a relationship.  Amen for that.

Also, I've been listening to Flying Lotus recently.  Such calming stuff :')

Aaand on a final note, I'm trying to figure out how I feel about the album version of Eighth Wonder?? It's so different, I'm thinking that I'm going to need to listen to it a couple times before coming up with a definite opinion.  I do know that I love the way it builds for Shinjiro's verse.  That shit was fantastic.


I went on a date I guess thing with this guy last night and... for the first time in like forever I was actually really into it.  Um, there was this dude a little while back but I was mostly into his body if you catch my drift.  But this guy... is really cool and smart and nice and kind of awkward but not too awkward and we got along really well, I think.. I hope.  And he called me afterwards and stuff so I'm hoping that is a good sign >w< The only thing is that he lives kind of far, like an hour drive, but we met in the middle last night so yeah and he also got there really early and ......... swoon

I've sort of lost my school motivation a bit, which bites, but whatever.  I'm still procrastinating a lot less than I used to :P  Also, I've been having skype sessions with my friend Nickle which has been fun, we're watching Misfits.  I also promised aforementioned dude that I'd start watching Breaking Bad, so I have.  Also I know this sounds stupid but I'm finally starting to make friends in my classes and stuff :) It's really great actually, I kind of need human contact in a big way.  I think that's also helping with me not falling back into such an intense depression.

Anddd yeah.  That's all I really have in terms of updates.  I organized my bathroom, which was cool.  I need to do that to my room now loooolllzzz

I'm going to New Orleans in January :D


In other news, I've been like throwing myself into school recently.  It's ridoncidonc but like shit, I'm actually getting stuff done.  It's a good way to deal with life I think.  Not only am I not giving myself time to think about depressing things, I'm feeling more motivated.  It make me wonder if I really am better!!

We'll see.

So yesterday I went to an A's game... it was sooo great :D I went with my dad, and he got kind of into it, but the thing is, when I get into sports, I go a bit insane.  I was using all of my willpower not to scream at the top of my lungs every two seconds and even then I was screaming at the top of my lungs every 5 minutes so like, you win some you lose some.  The A's won the game, but it was in the very end and there was no score until like the 7th or the 8th inning, I can't remember.  It was really stressful, but that's what makes the games fun right??

Then after that there was a fireworks show set to Greenday songs, cause they're from the Bay and all that jazz.  It was so spectacular, it made me realize how long it's been since I last actually saw fireworks.  I felt like a dazzled 5 year old.  Speaking of Greenday also, I think Billie Joe or however you spell it coached baseball or soccer or something for a kid of someone I know.  It's so cool that they just chill around here.

I also finished Skins today, like forever.  :(  I watched it with my friend Nick over Skype.  It was so intense.  I'm going to miss that show a lot.  I'm glad we got to check in on Effy, Cassie and Cook though.  I thought that they had dropped the project so when I heard that they were in fact releasing them as episodes I just about had a heart attack :)

AND FINALLY I'm really proud of myself cause I organized my bathroom today.  I really hope it stays organized for a decent amount of time-- I really want to buy some stuff that I can put all my makeup in.  I don't actually use all that much, and I threw a lot of it away because it was so old, but still, it would be nice to have a little thing with drawers to hold different types of products.

And that's all I have for today.  My life is so bland god

So the date was like ... idk fun but it was a no.  It was kind of cute cause when we went to see the movie he tried putting his arm around me, but then he started shaking cause he was all nervous.  He was sweet but there was no attraction or anything.... sigh.

In other news all my group members have decided this is the day they are going to contact me and shit.  It's kind of funny, like you put yourself out there and then people decide that you are the one they trust to help them out.  It made me feel kind of cool.  I'm really going to be a responsible student this semester.  I also decided that I'm going to finish the first draft of my transfer essay for Loyola by September 1st.  And then the other two by the 14th of September.  Small goals, yes?  The key to success.

I also really want to get back into reading, like not just rereading books I already have but really finding cool shit to read.  In the meantime though, I got my friend addicted to Kamisama Hajimemashita and now he's reading the manga.  My favorite part about the fact that he's so into it now is that I wasn't even trying to get him to watch it, I think I was just in a bad mood one time and I was like "ugh please just bear with me, I need to watch this right now." And he asked me a couple days later if we could watch more episodes.  And then he finished it on his own.  And now he's reading the manga.  Idk, this is kind of a new concept for me since none of my friends have actually been this inspired by something I liked before.  It's really great :D It makes me feel awesome.  He also is now a fan of AAA because I showed him their music >w<  He actually understands how fucking talented and amazing they are.  So far his favorite songs are Sorry, I... and Break Down as far as I know.  Also the intro to Heartful.  (And he has a crush on Hidaka :D)

(The point of all of that was that I'm going to reread KamiHaji myself again, because I haven't read it in a while.  I've also been keeping up with Kimi Ni Todoke on the side!)

Anyhoo, tomorrow I'm going to a memorial service for a family friend.  Her name is Brenda Brown and she lived to be very, very old, and had a very full life.  I'm sad that she's gone, but I think she's in a better place now.  She lived her life here to its fullest.  I should probably start on my weekly fuckload of Psychology homework :|

Sssooo I have a date today!

Kind of exciting.  We'll see how it goes.  (Trust me, I will write about it.) It's with this dude named Tyler and he's kind of cute and we're going to see Elysium and uh eat food I guess.  I'm a lot less nervous than I thought I would be, I'm just a bit bummed because the last date I went on I had a friend of mine there and he totes got me out of it when it was getting really boring.  Cruel, I know.  But it was really really necessary.  He called me pretending to be my mom and told me there was an emergency.  The funniest part was that he used a mom voice too.  Ahhh good times.

Um in other news I have SO MUCH FUCKING WORK to do this semester, I just went to my last class for the first time and he is like "herp derp I expect you to put in at least 6 hours a week out of class nbd not like you have lives OH AND ALSO I WANT YOUR NOTES TO BE A FUCKING NARRATIVE AND ALSO YOU HAVE THIS AND THIS DUE EVERY WEEK I LOVE METICULOUS DETAILS BLAH" like oh no it's cool not like I have other classes that are demanding a lot and stuff you know yeah no don't really worry about it I'd love to retype my notes for every fucking class period into a fucking essay (did I mention we have 3 classes a week).

My other teachers at least have us working in teams for the ridonculous amount of homework they give.

Also, I just made myself a Soundcloud account.  I'm still trying to figure out what exactly the point is other than people posting there music because like 3 people are following me right now and I haven't posted a thing.  Why???

And lastly, looking back through my test scores, I did fucking horribly on the SAT.  Dear sweet lord I was so off point.  Thankfully I did do pretty well on the ACT, besides the maths part (which really brought down my score). 

Burning some incense, listening to Sparky, and thinking about what the hell I should write for my college transfer essay.  Gah.  I really hope I'll be able to get out of here by next year, but I should probably go speak with a transfer counselor, if only to know what credits I've taken will transfer.  I've been in a surprisingly productive mood since Monday, and I really hope it will last.  I think I've been inspired a lot by one of my best friends and his passion for learning.  I swear to you, he is a Ravenclaw, no matter what Pottermore says.

While I'm in this mood I should probably organize my room and computer... Hmm.  I hope.  I've still lost all artistic inspiration-- this is the longest art block I've ever experienced, it's been like a whole fucking year.  Damn.  It's not like I can't draw anymore, because sometimes I do doodle but my mind doesn't have the same creative flow it used to anymore.  I can't tell what is standing in my way.  Perhaps a lack of passion for any one thing, currently.  I think I could really use some MJ cause it always brings me out of my art block if only for a night.  I've made some pretty cool shit.

In other news, I have been babysitting / dogsitting over the summer and I am going to continue into my school year.  Hopefully I'll be able to make a decent amount of money, because that's exactly what I'll be needing.  I can't cash my checks for the meantime though, because I've lost my debit card.  Gahhhghgh

I'm really hoping to go to New Orleans in late January, and hopefully spend New Year's in NY with my friend-- she has an apartment there so I wouldn't have to worry about hotel costs. The only problem is, she might still be in Lebanon at that point, and I don't want to buy tickets before I know what the plan is, despite the fact that the longer I wait, the more expensive they will become.  We'll see what happens.

Trying not to be lonely and keep myself occupied with things, and so far it seems to be working.  I feel pretty focused.  Lots of work to do this semester, both personally and for my classes. I think I can take it.  I think I kind of need it.

Well, signing off for now!


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